Tech Support

I've named this post "Tech Support" for two reasons:

1) I had the unfortunate experience of dealing with Dell's tech support last night.
and
2) I desperately need some tech support.

I got my cute little Dell desktop about five years ago. Since then, I've had a few problems... only one truly major one — I had to get a new hard drive put in.

So last night, my computer freezes up. I press and hold the master key, effectively shutting it down. I counted to twenty and then restarted my computer.

It boots up halfway, but then blacks out to its very own soundtrack. A whirring noise that builds up and falls off repeatedly. Almost sounds like my computer is an obscene phone caller.

Cool.

So I call Dell Tech Support. This might be mistake number one.. assuming I could get help.

Tech Support force me to put in a veritable plethora of codes, numbers, buttons, names, etc. before they'll even put me in the hold queue.

The hold queue takes over twenty minutes.

FINALLY, I speak to a person. This person was barely speaking English, and obviously reading off a script — all of which would have been FINE had I understood at all what was going on with my computer.

We were on the phone for nearly two hours.

She spoke to me as if I were an idiot, and I paid her the same courtesy. The best part of our conversation:

Dell Support: "Okay, get a pencil."
Me: "Got it."
Dell Support: "You've gotten a pencil?"
Me: "Yeah. Got it."
Dell Support: "A pencil or a ballpoint pen. You have this?"
Me: "Uh, yeah. Pencil. Got it. In hand."
Dell Support: "Now insert it into the back of your computer. Did the noise stop?"
Me: "In the back of my computer where?"
Dell Support: "Face the back of your tower. Insert the pencil in the back of the tower."
Me: "Yes, facing the back of the tower. Where?"
Dell Support: "Are you facing the back of the tower?"
Me: "Yes. I am facing the back of the tower. Where do I insert the pencil?"
Dell Support: "Next to the power cable. Insert the pencil."
Me: "It doesn't fit."
Dell Support: "Facing the back of the tower... next to the power cable. Insert the pencil. Did the noise stop?"
Me: "IT DOESN'T FIT."
Dell Support: "Did the noise stop?"
Me: "NO. The noise has NOT stopped. The pencil does NOT fit."
Dell Support: "It is the fan. You need a new fan. Please hold while I transfer you to the sales department."
Me: "WHAT? The pencil didn't fit! What do I do if I purchase a new fan and it doesn't fix it?"
Dell Support: "A new fan will fix the computer. I will transfer you to the Sales Department. Please hold."

So I hold. Two minutes later she says:
Dell Support: "Sassy? How is your day going?"
Me: "My day? Seriously? Not well."
Dell Support: "Your day is not going well. Because your computer is broken?"
Me: "Uhhh, Yes."
Dell Support: "Well, a new fan will fix this. Then you will have good day."
Me: SLAM. (Noise of the receiver hitting the cradle as I finally lose my temper and hang up on this deranged customer service representative.


I'm ready to buy a new computer anyway. Preferably a Mac, preferably pink. Preferably a laptop.
This way, I deal with Apple's customer service team (preferably not idiots) instead of Dell's group of unintelligible robots.

Any ideas on new Macs... or how to fix a PC that no one seems capable of fixing.. including tech support...?